Rivalry Report: The Annual Match Against the Dogs Next Door

The annual match against the dogs next door took place on Saturday. The dogs, who were not informed, were playing in their garden. The Academy won.

The format

The contest is held over the fence. Each side earns points by completing set tasks. The Academy’s tasks include sitting on the fence, looking calm, and being unreachable. The dogs’ tasks include barking, running in circles and eating a ball.

First half

The Academy opened with a strong sit. Our captain, Monsieur Pickle, placed himself on the fence post at exactly the height at which a dog can see him but cannot reach him. This is known as the Gentle Taunt and is the foundation of our strategy.

The dogs responded with enthusiasm. A large retriever named Colonel barked eleven times. Our judges awarded him three points for volume and none for tactics.

Second half

Pickle introduced the Slow Blink, a manoeuvre that suggests complete serenity and deep contempt in equal parts. Colonel barked twelve more times, then sat down heavily and looked at the sky. The judges recorded this as a withdrawal.

Notable moments

• A brief fall from the fence by Brigadier Noodle, who then claimed he meant to
• A confused squirrel who was awarded a point by both sides
• A dog called Biscuit, no relation to our coach, who simply wanted to be friends and was dismissed

Final score

Academy 14, Dogs 0. The dogs have disputed the score on the grounds that they did not know there was a score. The Academy has pointed out that this is exactly the sort of thing a losing side says.

“We are not rivals. They are simply less correct.” Coach Valdez

Sportsmanship

In the interests of fair play, we would like to acknowledge the dogs for their enthusiasm, their energy and their willingness to be the sort of opponent that makes a victory meaningful. We would also like to remind them that the fence is ours.

Next year’s match will be held in the spring. The dogs will again not be told.