How to Nap Like a Legend: A Seven Step Guide

Our motto is “Train like a champion, nap like a legend.” Many people understand the first half. Here is a guide to the second.

Step one: choose the spot

A legend does not nap in the bed provided. A legend naps on the freshly folded laundry, on the keyboard during an important meeting, or on a surface that has just been vacated by a human and is still warm. The spot must be inconvenient to at least one person.

Step two: circle

Walk in a small circle three times. Do not skip this. Scientists have no idea why we circle and neither do we, but the nap is invalid without it.

Step three: knead

Press the surface with your paws, alternating left and right, with a look of distant concentration. If the surface is a person, continue until they say “ow.”

Step four: the settle

Lower yourself in stages. First the front, then the back, then a shuffle that redistributes your weight into a shape no one has seen before. Tuck the paws. Tuck the nose. Make a small noise.

Step five: the half sleep

The legend does not fall asleep at once. The legend keeps one ear on the room, and one eye slightly open. If something interesting occurs, such as a tin or a bird, the legend rises. If not, the legend continues.

Step six: the deep sleep

Now rest in earnest. A true nap can last twenty minutes or six hours. It cannot be hurried. Do not worry about the time. The time is a human concern.

Step seven: the wake

Do not wake gradually. Wake as if you have been summoned by a trumpet, stretch for exactly as long as you wish, and walk away without explanation. If anybody asks where you have been, say nothing.

A nap is not an absence of effort. It is effort at a very high level.

A closing note

Athletes who complete all seven steps are awarded our Silver Pillow certificate. Athletes who complete them while being photographed are awarded the Gold Pillow, and a place in our brochure.

We encourage everyone to practise at home. Your sofa is waiting. It has always been waiting.