FAQ: Can My Cat Compete If She Refuses to Leave the Box?

We receive many letters from concerned owners. Here are the most common, with our answers.

Can my cat compete if she refuses to leave the box?

Yes. The Academy offers a Seated Division, which takes place entirely in boxes. Athletes are judged on stillness, expression and quality of occupancy. Last year’s champion did not leave the box for the whole of the event, and was also the winner of the prize for best attendance.

My cat only trains at night. Is this a problem?

No. Night is our most popular training period. Our coaches are largely nocturnal, or at least they are asleep in a way that looks nocturnal in photographs.

Should I be worried about my cat’s competitive streak?

If your cat has begun scoring your household, such as noting who sits where and who moved the cushion, then your cat is a natural competitor. Do not argue with the score. Your cat has been keeping it for years.

What if my cat loses?

All losses are reframed as strategic withdrawals. The athlete simply reconsidered. Our counsellors teach this skill, and it also works in families.

Are there medals?

Yes, and they are edible. Gold medals are made of tuna paste, silver medals are made of chicken, and bronze medals are made of what is left. We understand that some athletes feel bronze is unfair. It is.

Can I attend the events?

Spectators are welcome but must remain in the viewing area, which is a corner with a rope across it. Spectators must not wave string, tap on windows or say “who’s a good athlete” in a high voice. The athletes know.

Is the Academy a real sports facility?

No. It is a parody. Please do not send your cat to a facility that does not exist. If your cat is genuinely unhappy, unwell or hiding more than usual, please consult a real veterinary professional, who has a real clinic and real qualifications.

What should I pack?

Bring a blanket that smells of home, a favourite toy, and the quiet confidence of a person who is about to be ignored for several weeks.

We look forward to meeting you both. We will mostly be meeting the box.