Memo to All Staff: The Laser Pointer Is Not a Training Aid

TO: All Coaching Staff

FROM: The Office of the Director

RE: The red dot

Colleagues, it has come to our attention that the red dot is being used in sessions without authorisation. It has also come to our attention that nobody knows who owns it, where it comes from, or why it stops. We would like to put on record that these are unanswered questions.

Background

The red dot first appeared in the east gym on a Tuesday. It moved quickly, it did not make a sound, and it could not be caught. Athletes were deeply impressed. Three have asked to be coached by it.

Concerns

Management wishes to note the following concerns:

• The dot cannot be caught, which is demoralising for athletes who are used to winning
• The dot appears to be controlled by a human, which suggests a hidden hierarchy
• The dot leaves no trace, so it cannot be entered in the record books
• Two athletes have run into the same wall five times

Decision

After deliberation, the Director has ruled that the red dot is not a training aid but a rival. It should be treated with respect and, where possible, ignored. Athletes who chase it will be marked down for lack of focus.

The dot is not the enemy. The dot is the weather.

Frequently asked questions from staff

Q: Can we use it just on Fridays?

A: No.

Q: Can we use it if the athlete asks nicely?

A: The athlete does not ask nicely.

Q: Where does the dot go when the human puts down the pointer?

A: Management does not know. Management would like to.

Next steps

We will form a working group, chaired by Sir Gerald of Duvet, to investigate. Please do not wake him. He will report in the spring.

In the meantime, please keep the east gym clear, and please stop telling the athletes that the dot is “just over there.” It is never just over there.

Thank you.