Welcome to Sprint Season: Please Stop Sprinting Past the Reception Desk

Dear athletes, parents and the small number of staff who still believe the corridor belongs to them. Sprint season has begun, and with it the annual reminder that the reception desk is a fixed object and not a hurdle.

Head Coach Biscuit Valdez, a seven kilogram tabby with a whistle she cannot blow and a clipboard she has never held, asked us to publish the following rules in the clearest possible terms.

What counts as a track

A track is a surface marked by the Academy for the purpose of running. The following are not tracks:

• The reception desk, including the stapler tray
• The visitor sofa, which is a recovery zone
• Any human lap during a video call
• The top of the fridge after dark, no matter what the lighting suggests

Official sprint windows

Sprinting is permitted between 3:00 AM and 3:20 AM, and again between 5:45 AM and 5:50 AM. These windows were chosen after a long study in which Coach Valdez watched a cat do exactly this for several weeks and wrote nothing down.

Outside these windows, athletes are asked to walk at a dignified pace, stopping only to stare at a wall for no reason. Staring at a wall is classed as visualisation training and is encouraged.

A word on the stapler incident

Last Thursday, a promising young Siamese named Pistachio crossed the reception area at what our timing sensors estimate was fourteen miles an hour. The stapler is fine. The lobby plant has been moved to a safer position, which is to say upstairs. Pistachio has been asked to reflect, and has reflected for about four seconds.

“Speed is a gift. Braking is a rumour.” Coach Valdez, in a statement she delivered mostly to a radiator.

What parents can do

Please do not cheer from the car park. Cheering confuses the athletes, who interpret it as dinner. If you wish to support your athlete, wave quietly and keep your hands visible.

We remain proud of our sprinters. We simply ask that the next time they find a gap in the schedule, they use it on the grass and not on the receptionist’s keyboard, which now types only the letter m.

Thank you for your understanding, and train like a champion.

Please remember that the Academy bears no responsibility for lost whiskers, bent tails, or wounded dignity incurred between 3:00 and 3:20 AM. We do accept responsibility for the stapler, since it was ours.

Fixtures for the spring sprint relay will be posted on the notice board, which has been moved to a higher shelf for reasons we would prefer not to discuss. Anyone who can reach it is, by definition, qualified.