Meet the Coaching Staff: A Panel of Cats Who Are Mostly Asleep

Every great athlete needs a great coach. Ours need a coach who is awake, which is a harder brief, and one the Academy has met with mixed success. Here is the panel.

Head Coach Biscuit Valdez

Biscuit holds the Academy record for the longest uninterrupted stare, set last autumn at forty one minutes. Her coaching philosophy is simple: if the athlete wants it enough, the athlete will do it, and if not, there is a sunny patch near the east window.

Assistant Coach Monsieur Pickle

Pickle handles our strength programme, which consists of pushing a pen off a table until it falls. Athletes progress to heavier objects, then to objects that belong to somebody. He is available on Tuesdays, or when the tin opens.

Conditioning Lead Dame Prudence Whisk

Dame Prudence runs our flexibility sessions. She can fold herself into a vessel designed for a smaller cat, and she believes this is a transferable skill. Her motto is “If it fits, it trains.”

Sports Psychologist Dr Marmalade Quill

Dr Quill is not a doctor of anything, but she listens with such steady, unblinking calm that athletes tell her everything. She then forgets all of it, which our legal department calls a feature.

Head of Rest Sir Gerald of Duvet

Gerald has not been seen to move since March. He is the heart of our recovery programme, and we consult him by sitting beside him and waiting. Results are excellent, if slow.

What to expect from a session

All sessions follow the same arc:

• A warm up, in which the athlete stretches and then lies down
• A skills block, in which the athlete is shown a feather
• A cool down, in which the athlete is shown a pillow
• A review, in which the coaches agree it went well

We ask parents not to compare their athlete with the athlete in the next basket. Progress is personal, and so is the basket.

If you would like to speak to a coach, please leave a message on the whiteboard. Biscuit will read it at some point, probably after lunch.