The Official Rules of Curtain Climbing, Revised and Now Shorter

For many years the curtain climbing event was governed by a forty page rulebook that nobody read, including the cats. Following the Great Rail Collapse of last month, the judging panel has rewritten the rules to fit on a single card.

Scoring

Each athlete is scored out of ten across three categories.

• Ascent: how high the athlete gets before gravity files a complaint
• Hang time: how long the athlete remains attached by claws alone, while looking calm
• Dismount: the manner of return, which may be graceful, dramatic or sideways

Penalties

A point is deducted for each of the following:

• Taking the curtain with you
• Looking at the judges mid climb with an expression of apology
• Landing on a judge
• Landing on the judge’s sandwich

Two points are deducted if the athlete is carrying the pelmet.

Equipment

The Academy supplies standard curtains in a neutral beige. Athletes are not permitted to bring their own curtains, nor to wear any form of grip enhancing substance, which includes butter. We know who you are.

The Great Rail Collapse

On the day in question, a championship contender known as Brigadier Noodle reached what witnesses call a personal best of two point four metres. At that point the rail, which had held for eleven years, reconsidered. The curtain, the rail, Brigadier Noodle and a decorative owl all descended together.

“I felt a oneness with the fabric,” said Brigadier Noodle, after being extracted. “Then I felt a oneness with the floor.”

Noodle received a score of nine for ascent, six for hang time and a special citation for dismount, which the panel described as “a lot”.

What happens next

The event will resume next month using a reinforced rail, a crash mat, and a physiotherapist who is mostly there for the judges. Entries are open to all athletes aged six months or older, subject to a short assessment of their feelings about heights.

We thank the community for its patience, and the owl for its service.