Nutrition for Champions: What the Bowl Says and What the Bowl Means

Athletes frequently arrive at the Academy convinced that their bowl is empty. A visit from our nutrition lead, Chef Bartholomew Crumb, normally reveals the bowl to be full. This is not the end of the conversation. It is the beginning.

The empty bowl paradox

A bowl may contain food and still be considered empty if the food is the same food as yesterday. Our research, which involved looking at a bowl, suggests the athlete is not hungry for calories but for novelty and for the sense that the staff have noticed.

Chef Crumb’s advice is to add one new element to the bowl each day. A single pea will do. The athlete will inspect it, push it aside, and eat everything else with an air of having won.

The Academy meal plan

Our standard daily plan is as follows:

• 6:00 AM: first breakfast, eaten loudly
• 6:20 AM: second breakfast, because the first was a rumour
• Midday: a small snack, taken from the human’s plate with plausible deniability
• 4:00 PM: a pre training meal, followed by an intense nap
• 9:00 PM: dinner, which the athlete rejects and then requests ninety seconds later

Hydration

Water is essential, but only if it comes from a source the athlete was not meant to use. The Academy provides a perfectly good bowl in a perfectly good location. We have found the athletes prefer the bathroom tap, a vase, and a glass belonging to a visiting parent.

A note on supplements

We do not recommend any supplements. We also do not recommend that you offer your athlete a supplement hidden in a treat, since your athlete has already identified the supplement and is waiting for you to leave.

“Eat like a champion, which is to say, at once, and then complain.” Chef Bartholomew Crumb

When to seek help

If your athlete stops eating entirely for more than a day, please contact a qualified human veterinary professional. This is a parody blog and our advice should not be taken as real nutritional guidance. For real concerns, please consult a real vet, who will be much better at this than a cat with a whisk.

We look forward to feeding your champion.